I have not been writing at all for myself lately.  It is not out of complete laziness, but that might be a reason because it is always lurking in my subconscious. But I think I have two very good reasons.  Firstly, I have been writing for my boss which is a nice change of pace.  Secondly, the kind generous man I work for gave me almost the last three weeks of the summer off.  It was absolutely glorious.  I reveled in the freedom.  It was a time for family, something that I love and cherish more than anything in the world.  I never remember having this type of time with my own father, but my dad faults and all, was as great as he could be.  He was a loving caring man.

So for those twenty days I was in complete bliss.  My wife and I took our son to the beach. It was a risk, because he hated the sand last time we were there.  It was so funny to watch.  We would place him in the sand, he would squirm and wriggle, pulling his feet up as if the sand was some sort lava.  All I can think of is that stupid internet meme about the floor being lava.  The same would happen if we tried to place him on the grass. 

While it was funny to watch it was incredibly practical.  We could put him on the beach blanket and not have to worry about him wandering off.  He would just sit there playing with his bucket, mumbling to himself as all babies do, while seeing how much sand he could get into his mouth via his yellow shovel.  It also worked on the grass.  My mother’s patio is made of blue stone, with grass surrounding it.  So we could place our son on the patio and let him roam free because the lawn served as our containment field. 

But no more, our son is fully mobile, adventurous, and most importantly fearless.  I am unsure if fearless is the correct word.  I think he is better described as someone who does not understand the consequences of his actions.  That is our greatest fear as parents.  We have seen him try and jump down stairs or throw himself, at a full run, into the pool.  With more thought, he is fearless.  He has no concept of fear, until he has in that decisive moment realized he is scared.  You can see the worry manifest itself on his face in that instant he has realized that he has done something and is scared of the consequences. 

          So to make a long story short, he loves the sand now as well as the grass. 

Back to the magic of the vacation.  There was something so satisfying, so rewarding, I felt becalmed in my soul.  It was as if nirvana had been reached.  A mystical and religious experience.  I was not praying or meditating.  I was actually doing nothing.  I was sitting.  Just watching.  I was on one of those beach chairs, the folding variety, watching my wife paly with our son. 

The chair is important.  People forget how important a chair is, how much better it makes your life.  Most people though, have no reference for life without chairs.  We have always just had chairs in our life.  Now I am not claiming to have lived some type of feral life devoid of basic human amenities.  For even when I was feral, there were still chairs, benches to be more exact, but they fulfilled the same type of role.

The role is something we or least I very rarely think about.  It was not until I was without a chair that I realized the beauty of its function.  It is something to sit on, it raises you from the ground.  It helps keep you dry and clean.  There is also a level of comfort that chair brings to the user.  These things that make chairs great, are overlooked. 

The problem is that only the fewest number of people do not have access to the amazingness of the chair.  So there was a time I was chair less.  It was when I was paid to chaperone one of my best friend’s little brother to a Phish festival.  Needless to say it sucked.  Not having a chair was just fucking miserable.  I am going to take a break from writing, while I decide if I am going to tell you about that both amazing and miserable time I was chair less.

So I have thought about telling you about one of the best and worst times I have ever had.  I have decided against it; the hedonistic adventure has no place in the current idea.  It is something that must be writing separately.

So I had to remember what I was really trying to say before.  When I realized what I was writing about, the joy and happiness of watching my wife and child play together on a beach.  I was immediately transported back to that amazing feeling of happiness.  So what I have been trying to say over the last several pages is how happy I am.  There is a sense of contentment that I have found within this whirl wind of doubt that surrounds my life.  Watching my wife and child digging and playing in a hole on the sea shore brought me a feeling of satisfaction, that only a parent would be able to understand.  I felt as if I had chosen well.  That my wife whom I love with all my heart, who is my best friend, my confidant, my cheerleader, my lover, is also the greatest and loving mother.

There is a satisfaction being able to know your life partner, the person who you have chosen as your ride or die, is everything you could have imagined.  Parenting is a whole new level of interaction.  I feel it is something that can go either way.  It can reveal the true person, the whole person, the person we wish to keep just ourselves devoid of the light.  With my wife it has allowed me to the depth of her ability to love.  Her unending ability to love, is the most beautiful part of her.